I say this without wanting to sound braggadocious, but I'm quite famous for my baking. I'm the person who brings the dessert usually. If you're invited to tea at my house, come hungry, and for a while, I even sold cakes and other goodies as a side hustle.

Recently, however, I've been struggling. Things just weren't coming out the way they used to. I thought I had lost the knack, honestly. I was beginning to think I might have to give it up.

And then, a couple of weeks ago, I realised my cakes, my rusks, my shortbread all had one thing in common – they were burnt on the top and raw at the bottom. I checked and yes, the lower element had blown. My electrician has replaced it, and my baking prowess has returned

Simply put, I was not the problem – although my default setting is to think I am, if I'm entirely honest, and even though I had decided that perhaps it was time to hang up my apron.

But sometimes – I'm sorry to say – you might be the problem. And it's important to figure out whether that might be true.

For example, I used to be a doormat. If someone told me to jump, whether at work or at home, I would ask how high and do so unquestioningly. You would think that might lead to a life that's easy, because you're so pleasy (I couldn't resist) but actually, it creates more problems than it solves.

And where it left me, was burnout. Not because I was working too hard, but because I was trying so hard to please everyone else that I forgot about my own needs entirely. 

Sometimes I listen to my clients, and what I hear is some version of this. It's a pattern that shows up in how they allow others to treat them, from their significant others, to their children, to their employers, managers and clients. And sometimes those patterns are so ingrained, and they've told themselves the same version of an old story so many times that they believe it.

"I should have..."

"I don't deserve to...:

"It would be selfish..."

"People always..."

And I don't mean that you should blame yourself for your terrible life and self-flagellate for 40 days. There's a difference between blaming yourself and taking responsibility for what you have allowed.

So, if you're not sure about what the problem is, start with distinguishing what happens from the story you tell yourself about what happens. Does Edna-Mae hate you? Or has she just not answered your text right away. Did you mess up at work, or has the person you delivered that report to not had a chance to read it yet. 

Cross-examine yourself like a lawyer in court – look for hard evidence and facts, not supposition and speculation. Once you've decided what the root of the problem really is, then you can figure out what to change.

Because there's truth in that saying that if nothing changes, nothing changes. But you need to change the right thing. You have to pull the right lever.

That can be tough to figure out by yourself, so if you need a helping hand, I'm here.